My test results are all finally in, and they are all NEGATIVE. This is good news because it means that there doesn't appear to be anything specifically wrong with me. On the other hand, it also doesn't give us any answers about what went wrong this time. I know that miscarriages are not uncommon, and I seem to have just been really unlucky twice in a row. I'm feeling a little more hopeful now that maybe this won't happen the next time, but I'm also very terrified that it will.
The last 3 weeks have been very difficult for me emotionally. There's not an hour that goes by that I don't think my losses, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't cry about it. I know it will just take some time to heal, and I'm trying to be patient.
I'm scheduled for a follow-up exam next week, and I'm looking forward to talking to my doctor to find out what the next step is for us and hopefully get some of my many questions answered.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Surgery and Recovery
Yesterday morning I went into my doctor's office for another quick ultrasound just so she could check where everything was at and make sure that the D&C was still the best option, and it was. She also informed me that she would start a full workup to try and find an answer for us. It will take about a week to get the lab reports back, and they may not even reveal anything. I asked what we do at point and she said we pretty much just throw everything at it but the kitchen sink. Hopefully some treatment will give us the healthy pregnancy we're waiting for.
So surgery was on for 4:30, but thankfully they were running ahead of schedule so the hospital called to see if I could come in earlier. I was in surgery by 3:30, out by 4:00, and woke up about 20 minutes later. The last thing I remember in the operating room was the anesthesiologist putting something in my IV that made my hand feel like it was burning so bad I wanted to scream, "Cut my hand off!" But luckily I fell asleep before I could get the words out. I'm so glad that I had general anesthesia though because it was nice to just wake up and know it was all taken care of. What I wasn't prepared for was the flood of emotion that came when I woke up. I hadn't focused on the loss part since the first couple of days after we got the bad news because I was so focused on trying to figure out what was wrong with my body. But as I was laying there all loopy and barely able to speak, the tears came flooding out with the realization that I was no longer pregnant. My second failed pregnancy in a row was over and done.
After the surgery, my doctor went out to the waiting room to let Nate know how things went. She admitted that after seeing what she saw internally and what she removed, she still has no clue what went wrong with this pregnancy. Definitely not what I was hoping to hear.
When I got moved to the second recovery room after I woke up, I was able to see Nate again. He took great care of me over the next hour and a half helping me sip water and giving me crackers. I was so starving and thirsty that water and graham crackers never tasted so good.
I feel very fortunate that I had such great nurses and doctors every step of the way yesterday. It definitely helped make the experience a little less miserable. And Nate took great care of me as usual. It was also comforting to know what is done with the fetal tissue they remove. I'm not sure how it works at all hospitals, but at this one fetal tissue is given to a local mortuary to cremate and then be put in a vault in special garden at one of the local cemeteries. That was very touching to me.
We left the hospital by 6:15 yesterday, and then I spent the rest of the evening just taking it easy. Compared to recovering from a c-section, this has been a breeze. Some slight discomfort and pain that was easily taken care of by pain pills, and 24 hours later I'm actually feeling pretty normal - at least physically. Emotionally, I feel like I'm doing better than I expected. That may change after I get my lab results next week, but until then I'll try to pretend that my life is normal again.
So surgery was on for 4:30, but thankfully they were running ahead of schedule so the hospital called to see if I could come in earlier. I was in surgery by 3:30, out by 4:00, and woke up about 20 minutes later. The last thing I remember in the operating room was the anesthesiologist putting something in my IV that made my hand feel like it was burning so bad I wanted to scream, "Cut my hand off!" But luckily I fell asleep before I could get the words out. I'm so glad that I had general anesthesia though because it was nice to just wake up and know it was all taken care of. What I wasn't prepared for was the flood of emotion that came when I woke up. I hadn't focused on the loss part since the first couple of days after we got the bad news because I was so focused on trying to figure out what was wrong with my body. But as I was laying there all loopy and barely able to speak, the tears came flooding out with the realization that I was no longer pregnant. My second failed pregnancy in a row was over and done.
After the surgery, my doctor went out to the waiting room to let Nate know how things went. She admitted that after seeing what she saw internally and what she removed, she still has no clue what went wrong with this pregnancy. Definitely not what I was hoping to hear.
When I got moved to the second recovery room after I woke up, I was able to see Nate again. He took great care of me over the next hour and a half helping me sip water and giving me crackers. I was so starving and thirsty that water and graham crackers never tasted so good.
I feel very fortunate that I had such great nurses and doctors every step of the way yesterday. It definitely helped make the experience a little less miserable. And Nate took great care of me as usual. It was also comforting to know what is done with the fetal tissue they remove. I'm not sure how it works at all hospitals, but at this one fetal tissue is given to a local mortuary to cremate and then be put in a vault in special garden at one of the local cemeteries. That was very touching to me.
We left the hospital by 6:15 yesterday, and then I spent the rest of the evening just taking it easy. Compared to recovering from a c-section, this has been a breeze. Some slight discomfort and pain that was easily taken care of by pain pills, and 24 hours later I'm actually feeling pretty normal - at least physically. Emotionally, I feel like I'm doing better than I expected. That may change after I get my lab results next week, but until then I'll try to pretend that my life is normal again.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Update
Just as I expected, the results of my 2nd blood test revealed that my HcG levels have dropped confirming this is not a viable pregnancy. Unfortunately, the O.R. was swamped yesterday so I couldn't get on the surgical schedule until Monday afternoon. Assuming I don't miscarry over the weekend, I'm going in to my doctor's office first thing Monday morning for another ultrasound so she can see where I'm at, and then my D&C will happen at 4:3o that afternoon. It's an outpatient procedure, so I'll be home as soon a I'm out of recovery. I'm not sure how long that will take since I'll be under general anesthesia. But from what I've been told it's not a difficult physical recovery - just emotional.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Bad News...Again
I've been debating quite a bit about whether or not to blog about this, and obviously I decided to go ahead with it. Although this is something personal that our family is dealing with, I'm tired of feeling like I have to hide it. I also think that writing about it with help me deal with all of the thoughts, emotions, etc. that I have.
For several months now many people have asked when we're going to have another child or told us that Bridget is so cute we should have another one. Although comments like that are meant to be harmless, it's actually made what we're going through more difficult. Trust me, we desperately want to have more children but are having issues making that happen.
I had a miscarriage in October that took forever to be resolved and was very devastating to us. I know lots of women have a least one miscarriage during their child-bearing years, so after working through all the emotions and getting over the whole physical aspect of it, I tried to be more optimistic.
To say that I was thrilled when I found out I was pregnant again about 3 months later would be an understatement. Being pregnant again greatly helped to lift my spirits, but I tried to keep from being too excited about it until after my first doctor's appointment because I wanted to know that everything was okay first.
That appointment was just 2 days ago. I was so nervous waiting for the doctor to come in to do the ultrasound, and she could see it on my face when she walked in, so she got right to it. As soon as I saw the monitor I knew that my biggest fear was happening again. But this time it was worse. Normally a uterus looks black and the fetus and everything else around the uterus is white. My uterus was solid white. She couldn't see anything and said that my uterus was full of guck or junk or some word like that. She told me it was probably a molar pregnancy but she'd have to check my HcG levels with a blood test first to confirm. If it was a molar pregnancy than my HcG levels would be sky high - probably over 100,000. And because my uterus is full of something and there was no sign of an embryo, I'd need to have a D and C to have everything cleaned out. The pathology report from the D and C will also give us a better idea what is going on and how to treat it.
When I called yesterday to get the results of my blood test and schedule the D and C, I was thrown a bit of a curve ball. My HcG levels were only 9700 - which means it's not a molar pregnancy. So now I have no idea what is going on with my body. The doctor didn't want to schedule a D and C until she has confirmation that it's not a viable pregnancy, so I had to go in to have my blood drawn again today to check my HcG levels again. I'll find out the results tomorrow and then go from there. The chance of this not ending in a D and C is slim to none, and I'm quite anxious to have it over and done with so that we can hopefully get some answers from the pathology reports.
In addition to dealing with a loss again, I now have several added fears. Cancer is definitely one of them. The strong possibility of continuing to have more fertility issues including more miscarriages is another. But the one that scares me the most is the possibility of not being able to have any more children at all. Bridget desperately needs a sibling to play with and would be such a great big sister. It breaks my heart that we don't seem to be able to give that to her.
I know that there's a reason I'm going through all this heartache, and I can't wait to figure out what it is someday. One thing I've definitely learned is that I can't plan every aspect of my life as much as I'd like to. Another thing I've learned is what an amazing blessing a healthy pregnancy is. I will admit that I hated all of the discomforts that I had when I was pregnant with Bridget. Right now I would give anything to have them again.
I am so grateful that I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and beautiful daughter. All of this has certainly increased my love and appreciation for them. I'm also grateful for wonderful friends and family that have offered to help us in any way that they can.
For several months now many people have asked when we're going to have another child or told us that Bridget is so cute we should have another one. Although comments like that are meant to be harmless, it's actually made what we're going through more difficult. Trust me, we desperately want to have more children but are having issues making that happen.
I had a miscarriage in October that took forever to be resolved and was very devastating to us. I know lots of women have a least one miscarriage during their child-bearing years, so after working through all the emotions and getting over the whole physical aspect of it, I tried to be more optimistic.
To say that I was thrilled when I found out I was pregnant again about 3 months later would be an understatement. Being pregnant again greatly helped to lift my spirits, but I tried to keep from being too excited about it until after my first doctor's appointment because I wanted to know that everything was okay first.
That appointment was just 2 days ago. I was so nervous waiting for the doctor to come in to do the ultrasound, and she could see it on my face when she walked in, so she got right to it. As soon as I saw the monitor I knew that my biggest fear was happening again. But this time it was worse. Normally a uterus looks black and the fetus and everything else around the uterus is white. My uterus was solid white. She couldn't see anything and said that my uterus was full of guck or junk or some word like that. She told me it was probably a molar pregnancy but she'd have to check my HcG levels with a blood test first to confirm. If it was a molar pregnancy than my HcG levels would be sky high - probably over 100,000. And because my uterus is full of something and there was no sign of an embryo, I'd need to have a D and C to have everything cleaned out. The pathology report from the D and C will also give us a better idea what is going on and how to treat it.
When I called yesterday to get the results of my blood test and schedule the D and C, I was thrown a bit of a curve ball. My HcG levels were only 9700 - which means it's not a molar pregnancy. So now I have no idea what is going on with my body. The doctor didn't want to schedule a D and C until she has confirmation that it's not a viable pregnancy, so I had to go in to have my blood drawn again today to check my HcG levels again. I'll find out the results tomorrow and then go from there. The chance of this not ending in a D and C is slim to none, and I'm quite anxious to have it over and done with so that we can hopefully get some answers from the pathology reports.
In addition to dealing with a loss again, I now have several added fears. Cancer is definitely one of them. The strong possibility of continuing to have more fertility issues including more miscarriages is another. But the one that scares me the most is the possibility of not being able to have any more children at all. Bridget desperately needs a sibling to play with and would be such a great big sister. It breaks my heart that we don't seem to be able to give that to her.
I know that there's a reason I'm going through all this heartache, and I can't wait to figure out what it is someday. One thing I've definitely learned is that I can't plan every aspect of my life as much as I'd like to. Another thing I've learned is what an amazing blessing a healthy pregnancy is. I will admit that I hated all of the discomforts that I had when I was pregnant with Bridget. Right now I would give anything to have them again.
I am so grateful that I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and beautiful daughter. All of this has certainly increased my love and appreciation for them. I'm also grateful for wonderful friends and family that have offered to help us in any way that they can.
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