Yesterday morning I went into my doctor's office for another quick ultrasound just so she could check where everything was at and make sure that the D&C was still the best option, and it was. She also informed me that she would start a full workup to try and find an answer for us. It will take about a week to get the lab reports back, and they may not even reveal anything. I asked what we do at point and she said we pretty much just throw everything at it but the kitchen sink. Hopefully some treatment will give us the healthy pregnancy we're waiting for.
So surgery was on for 4:30, but thankfully they were running ahead of schedule so the hospital called to see if I could come in earlier. I was in surgery by 3:30, out by 4:00, and woke up about 20 minutes later. The last thing I remember in the operating room was the anesthesiologist putting something in my IV that made my hand feel like it was burning so bad I wanted to scream, "Cut my hand off!" But luckily I fell asleep before I could get the words out. I'm so glad that I had general anesthesia though because it was nice to just wake up and know it was all taken care of. What I wasn't prepared for was the flood of emotion that came when I woke up. I hadn't focused on the loss part since the first couple of days after we got the bad news because I was so focused on trying to figure out what was wrong with my body. But as I was laying there all loopy and barely able to speak, the tears came flooding out with the realization that I was no longer pregnant. My second failed pregnancy in a row was over and done.
After the surgery, my doctor went out to the waiting room to let Nate know how things went. She admitted that after seeing what she saw internally and what she removed, she still has no clue what went wrong with this pregnancy. Definitely not what I was hoping to hear.
When I got moved to the second recovery room after I woke up, I was able to see Nate again. He took great care of me over the next hour and a half helping me sip water and giving me crackers. I was so starving and thirsty that water and graham crackers never tasted so good.
I feel very fortunate that I had such great nurses and doctors every step of the way yesterday. It definitely helped make the experience a little less miserable. And Nate took great care of me as usual. It was also comforting to know what is done with the fetal tissue they remove. I'm not sure how it works at all hospitals, but at this one fetal tissue is given to a local mortuary to cremate and then be put in a vault in special garden at one of the local cemeteries. That was very touching to me.
We left the hospital by 6:15 yesterday, and then I spent the rest of the evening just taking it easy. Compared to recovering from a c-section, this has been a breeze. Some slight discomfort and pain that was easily taken care of by pain pills, and 24 hours later I'm actually feeling pretty normal - at least physically. Emotionally, I feel like I'm doing better than I expected. That may change after I get my lab results next week, but until then I'll try to pretend that my life is normal again.
2 comments:
Kimberly, YOU don't know me at all, but Nate does. I served in the singles ward he lived in in Arizona.
Anyways...I WISH I knew you because I feel like I can relate so much to the things you've been going through! Although it takes us about a year to get pregnant each time, I had two perfectly normal healthy pregnancies. When we decided to go for a third it took 18 months, then I miscarried at 9 weeks. I'm convinced there isn't even a word to describe that loss. To other people something so small is no big deal, but once you see that positive pregnancy test it's YOUR BABY. You plan the bedrooms, carseats, vacations...within days you've completely allowed the baby to enter your heart and life. SO discouraging to lose it.
After another 14 months of trying I conceived and then miscarried again. I can honestly say that it was one of the lowest points of my whole life. I couldn't believe Heavenly Father would give me the feelings that I SHOULD have another child right now, just to rip it away from me. I know, terrible attitude, but I wasn't in a good place. Long, long story getting through all that. I got pregnant again last fall and I'm 33 weeks right now. I was TERRIFIED everytime I used the bathroom. I just knew I'd see blood again. I felt like although my body once knew how to carry a child it had forgotten or broken or something. It didn't even seem possible that it would work out. The further along I got, the more confident I felt. It really messes with your brain for awhile. And the emotions are the worst w/ all those hormones going up and then down and your body trying to figure out what in the world is going on.
BUT...things will be okay. You're good and righteous and a great mom to Bridget. I wish I knew something to say that would really make it better, but the truth is it just hurts for awhile. Then one day it just won't hurt as much anymore, but I agree that once you have another child it will be the biggest part of the healing process. TRY not to get too discouraged! You'll be in my prayers!
Kimberly, I really enjoyed reading your last few posts. I am so sorry to hear about all the difficulties you've experienced getting pregnant. It's so frustrating to know there are so many good people out there wanting to have kids, but can't while there are plenty of people having kids that don't want them. I hope you can get pregnant again soon and have a successful experience. I also hope you and Nate are doing well emotionally. You two deserve another little one! :)
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