I've been debating quite a bit about whether or not to blog about this, and obviously I decided to go ahead with it. Although this is something personal that our family is dealing with, I'm tired of feeling like I have to hide it. I also think that writing about it with help me deal with all of the thoughts, emotions, etc. that I have.
For several months now many people have asked when we're going to have another child or told us that Bridget is so cute we should have another one. Although comments like that are meant to be harmless, it's actually made what we're going through more difficult. Trust me, we desperately want to have more children but are having issues making that happen.
I had a miscarriage in October that took forever to be resolved and was very devastating to us. I know lots of women have a least one miscarriage during their child-bearing years, so after working through all the emotions and getting over the whole physical aspect of it, I tried to be more optimistic.
To say that I was thrilled when I found out I was pregnant again about 3 months later would be an understatement. Being pregnant again greatly helped to lift my spirits, but I tried to keep from being too excited about it until after my first doctor's appointment because I wanted to know that everything was okay first.
That appointment was just 2 days ago. I was so nervous waiting for the doctor to come in to do the ultrasound, and she could see it on my face when she walked in, so she got right to it. As soon as I saw the monitor I knew that my biggest fear was happening again. But this time it was worse. Normally a uterus looks black and the fetus and everything else around the uterus is white. My uterus was solid white. She couldn't see anything and said that my uterus was full of guck or junk or some word like that. She told me it was probably a molar pregnancy but she'd have to check my HcG levels with a blood test first to confirm. If it was a molar pregnancy than my HcG levels would be sky high - probably over 100,000. And because my uterus is full of something and there was no sign of an embryo, I'd need to have a D and C to have everything cleaned out. The pathology report from the D and C will also give us a better idea what is going on and how to treat it.
When I called yesterday to get the results of my blood test and schedule the D and C, I was thrown a bit of a curve ball. My HcG levels were only 9700 - which means it's not a molar pregnancy. So now I have no idea what is going on with my body. The doctor didn't want to schedule a D and C until she has confirmation that it's not a viable pregnancy, so I had to go in to have my blood drawn again today to check my HcG levels again. I'll find out the results tomorrow and then go from there. The chance of this not ending in a D and C is slim to none, and I'm quite anxious to have it over and done with so that we can hopefully get some answers from the pathology reports.
In addition to dealing with a loss again, I now have several added fears. Cancer is definitely one of them. The strong possibility of continuing to have more fertility issues including more miscarriages is another. But the one that scares me the most is the possibility of not being able to have any more children at all. Bridget desperately needs a sibling to play with and would be such a great big sister. It breaks my heart that we don't seem to be able to give that to her.
I know that there's a reason I'm going through all this heartache, and I can't wait to figure out what it is someday. One thing I've definitely learned is that I can't plan every aspect of my life as much as I'd like to. Another thing I've learned is what an amazing blessing a healthy pregnancy is. I will admit that I hated all of the discomforts that I had when I was pregnant with Bridget. Right now I would give anything to have them again.
I am so grateful that I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and beautiful daughter. All of this has certainly increased my love and appreciation for them. I'm also grateful for wonderful friends and family that have offered to help us in any way that they can.
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