Pumpkin Patch

Now that Bridget's old enough to understand holidays and the festivities that come with them, we decided to take her to a pumpkin patch this year. She was so excited when we got there and started running around picking up as many as she could as fast as she could while saying, "How about this one?"

We decided on a smaller one for her and a larger one for Nate and me. Neither of us is big on pumpkin carving, so this was really all for her.
I'm not sure if it was worth the price or not, considering we paid double or triple what we would have paid to just buy them at a grocery store, but maybe she'll be able to talk us into going back next year. She had fun, and that was all that mattered to us.

Fall Break Yellowstone Trip

In mid-October, I had a 4-day fall break from school, so we decided to head to West Yellowstone to visit Nate's parents and so Nate could help his Dad work on the shop he's building. Although I've been to West Yellowstone dozens of times in my life, I've never been there so late in the year, and it was certainly a peaceful place. Nate and his dad spent all of Friday and half of Saturday working together on the shop.

After the rain seemed to taper off Saturday afternoon, Nate, Bridget, and I headed into Yellowstone Park. Amazingly, Nate had never been there before, so it was nice to go when it was a little less busy. Bridget loved the animal checklist and had a good eye for spotting them even if all we saw was a bunch of elk and buffalo. She was really hoping to see some bears, but no luck with that.

We didn't have much time to spend in the park before it got dark, so we checked out some geysers at the Lower Geyser Basin and then headed to Old Faithful.

Bridget was pretty good while waiting for Old Faithful for 20-25 minutes and only tried to jump off the boardwalk a couple of times.
I'm actually amazed Old Faithful shows up as well as it did in the picture considering the cloudy, dark sky in the background.

Introducing Baby #2

Now that I'm 15 weeks along and we were able to find out the gender of our baby yesterday, I decided it's time to finally post about it. We just barely started telling people I'm pregnant because I've had A LOT of anxiety about having another miscarriage. Getting through that first trimester felt like an eternity. My doctor has been fabulous to see me every 2 weeks, so yesterday's appointment was actually my 5th appointment and the 3rd ultrasound. When she asked me at my 13 week appointment if we wanted to find out the gender at our next one, I was pleasantly surprised because I was 24-25 weeks when we found out with Bridget.

It took about 5 minutes before my doctor was able to get the perfect shot. And here it is:
And you can see that she typed on the ultrasound right between the legs - it's a GIRL!

Above is the full body shot. In case you can't tell what you're looking at, the head is on the left and you can see the spine in her torso on the right. She even gave us a little thumbs up while she was squirming around.

We are thrilled to add another daughter to our family and feel very blessed after all the heartache we've gone through trying to make that happen. Other than my anxiety, I've had a pretty easy pregnancy so far. Morning sickness was mild and came in waves (mostly in the evenings) from about 7-13 weeks, and other than that I've just had the typical pregnancy fatigue. But I've never appreciated any of it more.

My official due date is April 2nd, but since I'll either be having a repeat c-section or VBAC, she'll probably be joining us the end of March.

Nate's 1st Half Marathon

Yesterday, Nate ran the Layton Half Marathon - his first of what he hopes will be several half or full marathons. He started training for this goal 5 months ago and has also shed 30 pounds in the process! His goal for the race was to finish in 2 hours, and he was close with a finish of 2:12:09.7. To break down the stats, that's 189th (of 395) overall; 92nd (or 137) male; and 24th (of 34) for his age division.

While waiting for him to cross the finish line, I'm sad to say I didn't get the best picture. I wasn't sure what he was wearing because he left our house in the dark early morning, and when he came around the final corner I had my camera out but got all flustered and didn't get the lens cover open in time. Bridget broke it a while back and I forgot to manually open it all the way, so here's the resulting picture:

And there he is just a few feet away. It's funny because he didn't actually hear us cheering him on and ran right by us because he was so in "the zone."

A family shot including the medal. Ooooo....ahhhh.

I love Bridget's cheesy grin in this shot. We'll just forgive Nate's expression since he was exhausted. Bridget liked Nate's "necklace" and wanted to keep it for herself.

And here's the rest of the cheering squad - my cousin Amanda and Aunt Jennine.

I'm so proud of Nate for his accomplishment. He ran the entire thing except for 2 very brief walks to drink water at the aid stations along the way. We can't wait to cheer you on at your next race sometime next spring!

Home Improvement Projects

This summer we had three major home improvement projects we hoped to tackle, and now that summer is just about over, we're happy to say that we got them done!

As I mentioned in a previous post way back in July, Nate and his dad built a shed for us. Nate had to do a lot of the finishing touches himself (shingle the roof and install the door and a vent), so it wasn't actually completely finished until a while later. But here's the finished product:
It's nothing fancy and only 6'x8', but it meets our needs. And now our garage doesn't feel so cramped. :)
Labor day weekend we decided it was finally time to stain our deck. I wish I had a good before picture, but let's just say that most of the previous stain had worn off and ugly, gray wood was what remained. This definitely turned out to be a huge project, and it's not something I ever want to do again. Now our deck doesn't look so ghetto. The only downside is that it's now even more evident how much we need to paint the exterior of our house. I don't even want to think about that project.

Our final project was to have a new front door and sidelights installed. Our old sidelights were ugly yellow 1970s stained glass and the last bit of the 70s that remained in our house. I also HATED the front door.
And here's the new one:

BEAUTIFUL!! We love it!

2nd Summer Trip to West Yellowstone

I find it somewhat ironic that even though both of the trips we made to visit Nate's parents this summer should have been during West Yellowstone's best weather, we spent most of both trips in long pants and jackets.

This trip to West Yellowstone was originally supposed to be a family reunion of sorts with Nate's siblings and their families, but we ended up being one sister and brother-in-law short. I was mostly excited for Bridget to get a chance to get to know her cousins Jaxon and Tanner since she hadn't been around them since she was about 9-months-old.

Even though the weather wasn't great the whole trip, we were able to sneak in some fun on Nate's brother Matt's boat when we could. Everyone arrived Thursday night, and Friday's weather was the worst we had. It was a good thing we got in some boating early in the day because it ended up raining most of the afternoon and evening.
Bridget's first boat ride. She started out in the back of the boat, but when she lurched forward while Grandpa was slowing down, it scared her so we brought her up front with us. It almost made her hate riding in the boat, but eventually she decided it was okay.

The life jacket was not her favorite.

Friday morning we drove the boat across the lake a few miles to my family's cabins. It took less than 10 minutes to get there by boat which beats the 30 minute drive around the lake. The water proved to be a little calmer and better for wakeboarding over there, so several of us got out to let the kiddos play on the beach while Matt went wakeboarding. Sadly, the storm was coming in, so we headed back to Nate's parents' house and got there just in time.

The grandkids can never get enough of playing with Grandpa.

Waiting for the boat to come pick us up on Saturday (day 2 of boating). It's amazing how entertaining skipping rocks can be.

Thankfully, the sun came out and it finally warmed up a little so playing on the beach at the cabins was a little more enjoyable. Grandpa even helped build a sand castle.

We had a great time hanging out with family, eating way too much good food, boating, going to an IMAX movie, and playing games. I'm also glad this trip coincided with a cabin trip for my extended family, so I was able to see some of my family too.

THE BIG 3-0

Earlier this month, I celebrated my 30th birthday. I realize that to some people, turning 30 is no big deal. To me the 20s are the prime of one's life, so turning 30 was not something I'd been looking forward to at all. I didn't actually cry about it, but I did feel like it a few times. Maybe it also has something to do with feeling like I hadn't accomplished all that I hoped to by this point in my life, but I'm sure a lot of people feel that way at any milestone birthday.

My birthday was on a Friday, and after spending the morning cleaning my house in preparation for the family we'd be having over that weekend, I did have a relaxing and fun evening. Nate even got off work a couple of hours early.

For dinner, we went to Salt Lake to have dinner with my sisters and brother-in-law at an Italian restaurant called Tucci's. I'd only eaten there once several years ago and remembered it being good, and it was. One of the owners "Papa Tucci" was actually the one to wait on us which included him singing "Happy Birthday" to me in Italian. They even put a candle in my slice of turtle cheesecake. Even if we didn't do anything extraordinary to celebrate, it was a nice birthday overall.
My birthday celebration even continued throughout the weekend because my sisters and their kids that arrived from Arizona wanted to celebrate too. So Sunday, we had the whole group over to our house for dinner, birthday cake, and homemade ice cream. This celebration also included my nephew Asher who was turning one just a few days later. It was great to have family around, even if it was a very short visit.

Here's hoping for great things during this new decade of my life!

Bowling

Last week, Nate's work had their annual company party, and it was the best one yet. This year, they rented out Fat Cats for 3 hours and provided dinner from The Pizza Factory. In case you are unfamiliar with Fat Cats, they have all sorts of activities - bowling, arcade games, bumper cars, indoor surfing, indoor flying, billiards, and rock climbing. All of the activities were free, be we opted just to do bowling since that was toddler friendly.

Bridget absolutely loved bowling! As I've mentioned before, she's a Curious George fanatic, and there's an episode about bowling. Needless to say, she was so excited to go bowling just like George. She was even really good at being able to carry her 6 lb. ball herself and put it on the child bowling apparatus (I have no idea what it's called).


We couldn't keep her away from the ball return. I was nervous she would try to pick up a heavier ball and drop it on her toes, but we were able to keep that from happening.

Sadly, she actually got a better score than Nate and I did. I should also mention that this was the first time Nate and I had ever been bowling together. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while, but it just never happened. With as much as Bridget loved it, I'm sure we'll be going again soon.

4th of July Weekend

For the 4th of July weekend we headed to Nate's parents' house just outside of West Yellowstone. We got there Thursday evening and left Sunday afternoon, so it was a quick trip but fun nonetheless.

One of the things Bridget had been looking forward to for months was riding Grandpa's tractor. And she did within a couple of hours of us being there.
Bridget also enjoyed making friends with Grandma and Grandpa's new dog, Nic. At first she wasn't so sure about him, but I think she finally decided he was okay. She normally loves dogs, but he's a little skittish which she didn't like so much. (And don't mind her crazy hair in this picture - we'd just taken her pony tails out).
Friday, Nate helped his dad prepare and pour concrete footings for the deck they're going to build. I even got to drive the tractor (a first for me) to help them in the process.

On Saturday, we spent a good portion of the day moving a giant firewood pile from the inside of their garage to outside. I got in a little more tractor driving and found out that I'm pretty good at stacking firewood (such a useful talent). That night we went into town and had some BBQ at one of the restaurants before heading back to the house. On our way back, we also had to stop at one of Grandpa's fire stations so Bridget could check out the fire trucks. She climbed inside all three and looked pretty cute pretending to drive such a large vehicle. Too bad we didn't have our camera with us at the time. :(

When we got back to their house that night, Bridget got to have her first ice cream cone. I know what you're thinking - we must be some sort of crazy parents that our daughter is this old already and hadn't ever had an ice cream cone. I promise she's not deprived. She did pretty well as you can tell from the ice cream goatee she's sporting here.

We originally planned to go home early Monday morning, but ended up needing to come home Sunday so that Nate and his Dad would have a full day to build us a shed before his dad had to head home. (I'll have to do a separate post about that later).

We had a great time and look forward to going back again in August!

Father's Day

As usual, I'm a few weeks behind in my posting. I can't believe it's mid July already and that my summer is half over. :(

Anyway, on Father's Day this year, we decided to do something we've been wanting to do for months - take Bridget to see Temple Square. It was a beautiful day and not too busy, so it was perfect.

We started off with the south visitors' center which was cool because there was a display with a cross-section of the Salt Lake Temple. Although I've been inside several times, it was cool to see where all the rooms were in relation to each other. Then we headed to the north visitors' center for what we'd being looking forward to for well over a year - taking Bridget to see the giant Christus. She's recognized and loved pictures of Jesus since she was about 12-months-old, so we knew she would love this. Sure enough, she wanted to run right up and touch him. Luckily, she was happy to stand and have her picture taken instead.
After we finished with the visitors' centers we took her over to the reflection pool because this girl loves to play in water and it gives a better view of the temple.

She was so excited to be there and loved every minute of it.

Adventures in Potty Training

One of my goals for this summer was to potty train Bridget, and I wanted to start as soon as possible so that she'd hopefully be a pro by the time I go back to work at the end of August. The day after the UPS lady delivered her stuff we were good to go (or so I thought). We already purchased her princess underwear a few weeks before and had been talking about this event for weeks to get her excited about it.
I just wished someone would have warned me about how frustrating and disgusting potty training really is. I was very optimistic before starting the whole process because she's a very smart girl, and I thought she'd like the idea and catch right on. Boy was I wrong. The book I read, Potty Train in Three Days, made it sound so easy.

Here's how the first day went: I felt like I was living in the bathroom with her. And when we weren't living in the bathroom, she was peeing on just about every surface of our house. Just as I would get one mess cleaned up she would have another accident. And most of these accidents occurred either just before of just after she'd been sitting on her potty for several minutes. The laundry was quickly mounting and my patience was waning. By 2pm, she'd had about 7 accidents and a couple of successes, and I was almost in tears. I was trapped in my house constantly cleaning up pee, hadn't really had any time to take care of many of my own personal needs like a shower or lunch, and was wondering why on earth it didn't occur to me to stock up on upholstery cleaner before starting all of this. By the end of day one, she'd had 7 or 8 accidents and a total of 4 successes. I was really questioning whether or not to continue the next day or just let her wear a diaper forever. She cried every time I told her to sit on the potty and didn't seem to have the interest anymore. Many people suggested a sticker chart which I had already planned and made. Sadly, it didn't really interest her the first day, but it certainly helped over the next several days. The rewards were things she loves like chocolate pudding, M&Ms, playing with bubbles, and watching Curious George.
Day 2 proved to be much better. She wasn't going as often and seemed to be starting to figure her body out. She had 4 accidents and 4 successes. She also pooped for the first time in the potty this day, and quickly learned that it's way better to do it that way than in a diaper. In fact, she started doing better with potty training in general when we put the toilet ring insert on her little potty on top of the big toilet this day. She's preferred that ever since then or even sitting on the big toilet without it.

I should also mention one thing I've done differently from the book is continue to put her in a diaper at night for several reasons: I still have a few diapers leftover, I don't want to be changing bedding in the middle of the night, and she needs to be more consistent about waking up with a dry diaper before I'll even attempt to let her go without.

Day 3, she was accident free!!

It's now been 2 weeks since we started the whole process and she's doing very, very well. Last week she had 3-4 days where she had one accident a day, but it's been about a week since she's had any at all. She stays dry through her naps no problem, and she's even been waking up dry in the morning more often. Even better, she's learning to hold it a little longer so she's not going every hour like she was the first week or so. She's used public restrooms a few times without problem too, so I don't have to be afraid to leave my house anymore!

I'm very proud of Bridget and how well she's doing, and I'm just glad I stuck with it even though that first day was so horrible.

Anniversary

A couple of weeks ago Nate and I celebrated our 4th anniversary. In some ways that doesn't sound very long, and we both actually feel like we've been married a lot longer than that. To celebrate, the three of us watched our wedding DVD (which Bridget seemed to enjoy) before dropping her off at my sister's so we could go out to dinner.

On our very first date, Nate took me to dinner at Rodizio Grill. Because we hadn't been back since that day, I decided that's where I wanted to go to celebrate. It was a great date and only lacking an IMAX movie (also part of our first date). If it hadn't been a weeknight and we didn't have a 2-year-old to get home, maybe we would have squeezed that in too.

Las Vegas Family Reunion

Now that it's been 3 weeks since our trip and my siblings that blog have all blogged about it, I guess I'd better stop procrastinating and post about it myself.

Memorial Day weekend was our trip to Las Vegas for the first ever Wilkinson Family Reunion. Since all of my siblings are scattered across the country and we hadn't all been together since Nate and I got married 4 years ago, we decided it was time. We rented a huge house complete with a pool and spent Saturday evening through Wednesday morning there.

There weren't many planned activities and most things were optional, so it ended up being a very relaxing trip. Saturday we pretty much just got settled, made trips to the grocery store, and had dinner. Sunday, some of us went to church and just relaxed. One of the mandatory activities during the trip was going through and distributing the many family photos from the house we grew up in. Here's a picture of some of the sorting fun:

Monday was mostly spent in and around the pool. We thought Bridget would love swimming, but Nate's approach didn't seem to work with her and she cried most of the time she was in it that morning. You can definitely tell from this photo how much she's not loving it:

Monday night, most of the adults went to the strip to see the Cirque du Soleil show "Mystere" while the kids stayed at the house with me, Nate, Emily, and Enoch. As part of the getting ready for bed routine, we had a little story time:
Tuesday morning was the other mandatory activity - getting some professional family photos done. We haven't seen most of the photos yet, but here's a peek at one of the group shots:
Tuesday evening as the trip was quickly coming to a close, I was determined to try to get Bridget to like the pool. It took a lot of convincing just to even get her to put on her swimsuit, but by letting her enjoy the pool at her own pace, she decided she liked it and didn't want to get out. It's just too bad we had to leave the next morning.
Overall, it was a great trip. Awesome weather, great family, and good times. We look forward to the 2nd Wilkinson Family Reunion at some point in the future.

Two and a Half Years Old

It's true...we now have a 2 1/2-year-old daughter! She's going to be in kindergarten before we know it, but since she's still our "baby" I don't like thinking about that. There are so many things that we love about this girl, and we feel so blessed to have her in our family. With the challenges we've faced the last several months trying to add to our family, it makes us more and more grateful for her each day. I honestly don't know how I would have coped if I didn't have her to hug, kiss, and cuddle all the time. Currently, one of her favorite songs is a church song called "Families Can Be Together Forever." The first time I heard her sing it all by herself, I couldn't help but smile and tear up a bit. Just like I tell her every day, I am the luckiest mom because she is my daughter and always will be. It's moments like this that make all the difficult times worth it.

An Early Gift

A couple of months ago, the inexpensive set of cookware I'd had since before Nate and I were married started to fall apart. Handles were starting to come apart and the non-stick surfaces weren't very non-stick anymore. Nate was ready to go right out and buy a new set for me, but I assured him that I could make do until Mother's Day. Being the great husband that he is, I got to open and use my gift just a few days early. And here they are:
Consumer Reports gave this set an awesome rating, and the price for this 15-piece set was great too. Happy early Mother's Day to me! And for the record, Nate washed all of them for me after pulling them out of the box so I didn't have to. :)

Easter

Now that it's the end of April, I guess I should stop being such a lazy blogger and post about our Easter weekend (April 5-6).

My sister Jill and her family came to visit for the week, although we didn't a chance to see them until Friday. Friday we just hung out at Jessica and Matt's apartment. Bridget was thrilled to have someone to play with, although it took Charlotte some time to warm up to her. Elaine and Bridget were fast friends and pretty cute together.

Saturday we did most of the Easter festivities since Jill and her family left to go home Sunday morning. Luckily, it wasn't snowing or raining and just a little chilly, so it didn't stop us from having an Easter egg hunt in the backyard.

Here's the three girls sporting their matching princess hoodies just prior to the hunt:

Most of the eggs were just hidden in the grass, but she did need help with a few of the harder ones.
After the hunt, we decided we needed a sisters picture. Too bad Amy and Emily couldn't be there to complete it. I never realized what a giant I was until after this picture was taken. I'm not sure if I'm just a giant or they're just all short. :)
Bridget and I are sporting some of the fun stuff she got in a special Easter basket uncles Matt and Rob put together for her.
We loved spending the day with so many family members. And we're looking forward to seeing everybody again in a few weeks.

Ring Around the Rosie

Since I never did get around to posting pictures of our new bedroom furniture in our bedroom this video serves two purposes: 1) A look at a some of the furniture in our bedroom and 2) How cute Bridget it with her teddy bear while singing one of her favorite songs. Have I mentioned before how much she loves this teddy bear? She carries him around in her left arm all day long and goes everywhere with her.

Test Results

My test results are all finally in, and they are all NEGATIVE. This is good news because it means that there doesn't appear to be anything specifically wrong with me. On the other hand, it also doesn't give us any answers about what went wrong this time. I know that miscarriages are not uncommon, and I seem to have just been really unlucky twice in a row. I'm feeling a little more hopeful now that maybe this won't happen the next time, but I'm also very terrified that it will.

The last 3 weeks have been very difficult for me emotionally. There's not an hour that goes by that I don't think my losses, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't cry about it. I know it will just take some time to heal, and I'm trying to be patient.

I'm scheduled for a follow-up exam next week, and I'm looking forward to talking to my doctor to find out what the next step is for us and hopefully get some of my many questions answered.

Surgery and Recovery

Yesterday morning I went into my doctor's office for another quick ultrasound just so she could check where everything was at and make sure that the D&C was still the best option, and it was. She also informed me that she would start a full workup to try and find an answer for us. It will take about a week to get the lab reports back, and they may not even reveal anything. I asked what we do at point and she said we pretty much just throw everything at it but the kitchen sink. Hopefully some treatment will give us the healthy pregnancy we're waiting for.

So surgery was on for 4:30, but thankfully they were running ahead of schedule so the hospital called to see if I could come in earlier. I was in surgery by 3:30, out by 4:00, and woke up about 20 minutes later. The last thing I remember in the operating room was the anesthesiologist putting something in my IV that made my hand feel like it was burning so bad I wanted to scream, "Cut my hand off!" But luckily I fell asleep before I could get the words out. I'm so glad that I had general anesthesia though because it was nice to just wake up and know it was all taken care of. What I wasn't prepared for was the flood of emotion that came when I woke up. I hadn't focused on the loss part since the first couple of days after we got the bad news because I was so focused on trying to figure out what was wrong with my body. But as I was laying there all loopy and barely able to speak, the tears came flooding out with the realization that I was no longer pregnant. My second failed pregnancy in a row was over and done.

After the surgery, my doctor went out to the waiting room to let Nate know how things went. She admitted that after seeing what she saw internally and what she removed, she still has no clue what went wrong with this pregnancy. Definitely not what I was hoping to hear.

When I got moved to the second recovery room after I woke up, I was able to see Nate again. He took great care of me over the next hour and a half helping me sip water and giving me crackers. I was so starving and thirsty that water and graham crackers never tasted so good.

I feel very fortunate that I had such great nurses and doctors every step of the way yesterday. It definitely helped make the experience a little less miserable. And Nate took great care of me as usual. It was also comforting to know what is done with the fetal tissue they remove. I'm not sure how it works at all hospitals, but at this one fetal tissue is given to a local mortuary to cremate and then be put in a vault in special garden at one of the local cemeteries. That was very touching to me.

We left the hospital by 6:15 yesterday, and then I spent the rest of the evening just taking it easy. Compared to recovering from a c-section, this has been a breeze. Some slight discomfort and pain that was easily taken care of by pain pills, and 24 hours later I'm actually feeling pretty normal - at least physically. Emotionally, I feel like I'm doing better than I expected. That may change after I get my lab results next week, but until then I'll try to pretend that my life is normal again.

Update

Just as I expected, the results of my 2nd blood test revealed that my HcG levels have dropped confirming this is not a viable pregnancy. Unfortunately, the O.R. was swamped yesterday so I couldn't get on the surgical schedule until Monday afternoon. Assuming I don't miscarry over the weekend, I'm going in to my doctor's office first thing Monday morning for another ultrasound so she can see where I'm at, and then my D&C will happen at 4:3o that afternoon. It's an outpatient procedure, so I'll be home as soon a I'm out of recovery. I'm not sure how long that will take since I'll be under general anesthesia. But from what I've been told it's not a difficult physical recovery - just emotional.

Bad News...Again

I've been debating quite a bit about whether or not to blog about this, and obviously I decided to go ahead with it. Although this is something personal that our family is dealing with, I'm tired of feeling like I have to hide it. I also think that writing about it with help me deal with all of the thoughts, emotions, etc. that I have.

For several months now many people have asked when we're going to have another child or told us that Bridget is so cute we should have another one. Although comments like that are meant to be harmless, it's actually made what we're going through more difficult. Trust me, we desperately want to have more children but are having issues making that happen.

I had a miscarriage in October that took forever to be resolved and was very devastating to us. I know lots of women have a least one miscarriage during their child-bearing years, so after working through all the emotions and getting over the whole physical aspect of it, I tried to be more optimistic.

To say that I was thrilled when I found out I was pregnant again about 3 months later would be an understatement. Being pregnant again greatly helped to lift my spirits, but I tried to keep from being too excited about it until after my first doctor's appointment because I wanted to know that everything was okay first.

That appointment was just 2 days ago. I was so nervous waiting for the doctor to come in to do the ultrasound, and she could see it on my face when she walked in, so she got right to it. As soon as I saw the monitor I knew that my biggest fear was happening again. But this time it was worse. Normally a uterus looks black and the fetus and everything else around the uterus is white. My uterus was solid white. She couldn't see anything and said that my uterus was full of guck or junk or some word like that. She told me it was probably a molar pregnancy but she'd have to check my HcG levels with a blood test first to confirm. If it was a molar pregnancy than my HcG levels would be sky high - probably over 100,000. And because my uterus is full of something and there was no sign of an embryo, I'd need to have a D and C to have everything cleaned out. The pathology report from the D and C will also give us a better idea what is going on and how to treat it.

When I called yesterday to get the results of my blood test and schedule the D and C, I was thrown a bit of a curve ball. My HcG levels were only 9700 - which means it's not a molar pregnancy. So now I have no idea what is going on with my body. The doctor didn't want to schedule a D and C until she has confirmation that it's not a viable pregnancy, so I had to go in to have my blood drawn again today to check my HcG levels again. I'll find out the results tomorrow and then go from there. The chance of this not ending in a D and C is slim to none, and I'm quite anxious to have it over and done with so that we can hopefully get some answers from the pathology reports.

In addition to dealing with a loss again, I now have several added fears. Cancer is definitely one of them. The strong possibility of continuing to have more fertility issues including more miscarriages is another. But the one that scares me the most is the possibility of not being able to have any more children at all. Bridget desperately needs a sibling to play with and would be such a great big sister. It breaks my heart that we don't seem to be able to give that to her.

I know that there's a reason I'm going through all this heartache, and I can't wait to figure out what it is someday. One thing I've definitely learned is that I can't plan every aspect of my life as much as I'd like to. Another thing I've learned is what an amazing blessing a healthy pregnancy is. I will admit that I hated all of the discomforts that I had when I was pregnant with Bridget. Right now I would give anything to have them again.

I am so grateful that I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and beautiful daughter. All of this has certainly increased my love and appreciation for them. I'm also grateful for wonderful friends and family that have offered to help us in any way that they can.